”PS: This story does not belong to writerstab. It was culled from naijastrip.blogspot.com”
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WARNING: The names used on this NOTE are REAL PEOPLE. THEY EXIST, BUT PART OF THIS STORY IS OF THE AUTHOR’S IMAGINATIONS.
It was one of those lovely days. A spring on every step I took. I just received my monthly allowance from my DAD. I Visited the joint, where I downed a BOTTLE OF GIN mixed WITH COCA-COLA with my friends in EKOSODIN VILLAGE, Benin. STUDENTS OF UNIVERSITY OF BENIN (UNIBEN) LIVED IN THE VILLAGE. RICHARD IRIKEFE, MY CLOSE BUDDY, partook in that DAILY COMMUNION. We got our KICKS faster, than wasting valuable resources buying LAGER BEER. I DID NOT SMOKE THE SMOKE . I DID NOT LIKE THE TASTE. Meaning, I tasted it like any CORRECT GUY. Ask my Paddy, CLINTON, OBAMA and DAVID CAMERON.
As I approached the gate of UNIVERSITY OF BENIN from EKOSODIN Village, I saw HER. SHE had a SWAGGER in her WALK and SWAYED LIKE A REED BLOWN BY THE EARLY MORNING BREEZE. I stopped, and UNDER THE INFLUENCE OF THE POTENT BREW, saw A CROSS BETWEENPETULANTNAOMI CAMPBELL and LINDA EVANGELISTA.
I rubbed my eyes to be sure she WAS NOT AN APPARITION OF THE VIRGIN. One was SIGHTED in BENUE STATE THAT PERIOD and THE HOME OF THE UNCLE OF ONE OF MY FRIENDS IN BENIN. It was the SEASON OF THE SIGHTING OF THE VIRGIN BY CATHOLIC FAITHFULS. A PERIOD even when the DRAWING LEFT ON THE WALL BY TWO-YEAR OLDS were seen AS THE APPARITION OF VIRGIN MARY. GOD HAVE MERCY ON US!!! I always wondered why the VIRGIN would choose NIGERIA as a LOCATION FOR APPEARANCES. HOW MANY VIRGINS ARE LEFT IN NIGERIA?
She was gaunt. Her nose LIKE THE BEAK OF A HAWK. My heart raced like HAMILTON ON THE WHEELS. I DO NOT LIKE VETTEL. I saw CLEOPATRA and NERFETITI come to LIFE. I fear no WOMAN BORN OF MAN. I approached her and in MY ACQUIRED BRITISH ACCENT I copied from MY UNCLE’S WIFE(AUNTIE GAIL) who is BRITISH and had been MARRIED TO MY UNCLE FOR MORE THAN 30 YEARS.
I asked the GODDESS HER NAME. SHE APPRAISED ME and told me ANGELA. I called her ANGEL and asked her where she was swaying to. She smiled revealing a good dentition. I SUDDENLY REMEMBERED MY FRIEND WHO SPENT 10 YEARS IN UNIBEN TO ACQUIRE A DEGREE IN DENTISTRY. HE CROSS-CARPETED from MEDICINE TO DENTISTRY. After near misses with EXPULSION, he eventually settled down, eschewing irrelevant full-time job of going after every skirt at sight, and graduated from DENTISTRY.
ANGELA told me she was going to CHIEF EDO’S HOUSE IN EKOSODIN VILLAGE. I HEARD CHIEF EDO HAS JOINED HIS ANCESTORS. HE LED THE WAR AGAINST THOSE WHO HELD THEIR MEETINGS ON TOP OF THE TREES IN EKOSODIN VILLAGE. TREES WERE CUT DOWN. THREE BIRDS WERE KILLED IN THE PROCESS AND THREE OLD WOMEN IN THE VILLAGE DIED THE FOLLOWING MORNING. SUCH WAS LIFE IN EKOSODIN VILLAGE. The GODS were always at war.
My friend was returning from a READING BINGE IN SCHOOL one night and had to pass the middle of EKOSODIN PRIMARY SCHOOL to get to his HOSTEL. He unknowingly passed through the middle of a GROUP OF BIRDS. The BIRDS flew off and he had a COLD CHILL. He did not WRITE the EXAMS that SEMESTER. He took ILL and was TAKEN HOME. He came back after 5 months and we learnt how a VISIT TO HIS VILLAGE IN AGENEBODE revealed he DISTURBED A HIGH POWERED MEETING THAT NIGHT. I will tag him on this NOTE to find out if he would AUTHENTICATE the STORY.
I had already TRUNCATED my JOURNEY into UNIBEN and was walking back into the village with ANGELA. Her accent immediately REVEALED she was an LIG (LOW INTELLIGENCE GROUP)- a TAG for non-UNIBEN GIRLS who lived close to the school and HELPED YOUNG AND OLD UNIBEN STUDENT S who could not MUSTER ENOUGH COURAGE nor HAVE ENOUGH SWAGGER TO GET SUDENT GIRLFRIENDS assuage THEIR SEXUAL DESIRES. A popular HOSTEL of a COMPUTER SCHOOL OFF UWASOTA ROAD and THE NURSING HOSTEL IN UNIVERSITY OF BENIN TEACHING HOSPITAL PROVIDED veritable HUNTING GROUNDS for such GUYS. I hunted their once and stopped when TWO GIRLS fought OVER MY OWNERSHIP IN UWASOTA, LILIBETH HOSTEL. An average UNIBEN GIRL spoke with a FAKE ACCENT except the WARRI AND SAPELE GIRLS who had nothing to prove to anyone in school. They were RAW and SIX PENCE A DANCE.
UNIVERSITY OF BENIN is bound by EKOSODIN VILLAGE, OSASOGIE ESTATE, BDPA ESTATE and IKPOBA RIVER. I cannot identify which area is EAST, WEST or NORTH. If you have the map, you can volunteer the coordinates. I know that the IKPOBA RIVER IS BY THE AGRIC FARM and YOUNG GUYS ALWAYS HELPED THEMSELVES WITH WHAT WAS ALWAYS LEFT BY THE RIVER SIDE AFTER FREQUENT VISITS BY WOMEN CLADDED IN WHITE AND RED CLOTHES SEEKING TO INFLUENCE THE GODS TO ENABLE A SUCCESSFUL TRIP ABROAD, preferably, ITALY . A friend’s girlfriend succeeded and was SENDING VALUABLES to the GUY from ITALY who used the PROCEEDS to GET a DECENT WIFE. What happened when the GIRL came back from ITALY is not for this NOTE. Last TIME I CHECKED, the GUY was in USELU PSYCHIATRY HOSPITAL.

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